Prohibition, here I come!

For those who haven't heard, I quit Beauty and the Beast. I just couldn't do it. No patience, if you will (my biggest curse lately). However, right on par for my life, a new project has fallen into my lap. YAY! I will be playing Zelda Fitzgerald in a new musical called Zelda. If anyone knows anything about her, then you'll realize how much fun this is going to be!!!!! (thanks to Quiggley for thinking of me...)

On your knees and pray for me...

Momma, do you see what I see?
On your knees and pray for me
Mathilde's come back to me
Charley, don't want another beer
Tonight I'm gonna drink my tears
Mathilde's come back to me
Go ask the maid if she heard what I said
Tell her to change the sheets on the bed
Mathilde's come back to me
Fellas, don't leave me tonight
Tonight I'm going back to fight
Wretched Mathilde's in sight
My heart, my heart, stop beating so
Just make as if you didn't know
That Mathilde's come back to me
My heart, I don't want you to say
She's lovelier than when she went away
Mathilde, whols come back to me
My heart, stop being overjoyed
Remember you were once destroyed
By Mathilde, who's come back to me
Fellas, please don't go away
Tell me that I mustn't stay
Mathilde's coming back today
My hands, you'll start to shake again
When you remember all the pain
Mathilde's come back to me
You'll want to beat her black and blue
But don't do it, I beg of you
Mathilde's come back to me
My hands, remember all the years
Remember when you caught my tears
Mathilde's come back to me
My hands, you'll want to touch her now
But please try and be strong somehow
Mathilde's here, she's coming now, now
Momma, can you hear me yell
Your baby boy's gone back to hell
Mathilde's come back to me
Charley, champagne right away
I know you've been saving it for the holiday
But Mathilde's come back to me
Go ask the maid if she heard what I said
Tell her to put the best sheets on the bed
Matbilde's come back to me
My friends, don't count on me no more
I've gone and crashed through heaven's door
My sweet Mathilde's here
Once More, once more.

I introduced someone to the joys of Jacques Brel today. ;-)

With one look from you, I could dance through the air

I have a bad feeling about this... this is bad. This is very bad... that song keeps running through my head. It's my new favorite thing to sing in the car. This can only lead to no good and someone (probably me) getting hurt again.

Was it bad that when I got that panicked phone call, I immediately went to the selfish place?

Quick update and out the door again!

Hey friends, sorry for the delay... I have been busy,busy,busy... The quick version is this: Started working at the Ollive Garden, in the middle of training. Been Teching the EMC dance concert in hanover for three days. Yesterday drove to DC to audition for the Air Force Choir. Tomorrow, driving to NYC to get the rest of my stuff and to have lunch with crazy Seth.

At the moment, I'm supposed to be driving to Hanover for my 11am call... yeah, that's not gonna happen.... another full day of "don't talk please" "sshhhhh" "no tapping backstage" "Shut up" "you know better" and "girls, please!" Well, I'm earning my money, that's for sure!

Thanks for Seth

Thank God, for Seth Morgan! I knew there was a great reason we were ever friends in the first place... He reminded me that whatever I choose to do is the right thing and just to relax... How nice to have a friend who is completely, altruistically supportive.

Catching Up... Sorry.

Sorry I've been so lazy about posting. I've just been lazy...

Things here are ok. I'm in a weird transitional place, I'm not sure I like it very much.

The show is awful. Aiy... oh well.

Shannon and I have been spending some quality time though which is good. Between her and Ciara, my plans keep changing as to what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go. I can't stay here. That much I know. Then there's Chicago... I'm kind of afraid to go there until I'm totally over Geoff. I'm afraid it'll become this huge mess, and then two of the three people I know there won't be around for me. I haven't heard from him. I assume he's doing well. Whenever I think of him I get sad and then really angry and then sad again. He practically begged me to move there... G, if you still read this thing, drop me a line sometime.

The thing is, I might have some directing opportunities around here this fall. It'll suck to be here, but it's work. Shannon and I talked about the possibility of me staying here until next June and then moving with her back to New York. Argh... My biggest issue with that, is if I do that, I give up any chance of even being friends with Geoff. It's sad that that's what holding me back in making these decisions. However, speaking of friends, almost all of mine live in NY. And now that Seth and I are back in friend mode, I'm really sad to be leaving the city. Too many decisions. I feel like my head is going to burst. The last thing is that I'm considering audition for the Singing Sergeants, the Airforce Choral Ensemble, based in DC. It was Emily's idea and I'm starting to think it's a good one. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (feedback would be greatly appreciated.)

I'm going to see Maurice in Ragtime again. This time it's at the Fulton Opera House in Lancaster, PA. Not far from here. Tomorrow is the graduation party. I've already spent the morning scrubbing lawn furniture (jealous, aren't you). And later, i think I'm going to the pool.

Not a whole lot going on other then the craziness in my head. Second interview for the Olive Garden on Monday. Auditions for the Fulton on Sunday...

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever...

I'm home now. I've been home for a few days, just vegging out. Not a whole lot going on which is really nice. Beauty rehearsals started last night...

Oh, this is going to be a long summer... We had choral rehearsal while the principals started blocking. Since technically I'm both and they haven't assigned solo lines in the ensemble I decided it would be better to go to choral rehearsal. I was most definately wrong. I can't even describe how disorganized and wasteful our time was. Too much time spent on things that didn't matter yet and not enough time spent on important things, like parts. I marched right up to Quiggley and told him that I was going to kill him for bringing me and then I was going to kill myself. Aiy... Hopefully once we get out of music rehearsal it'll be better.

As much as I love hearing from Seth everyday, I can't help but think there's something weird about it. I dunno. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to him for so long and now we're making up for lost time. I certainly don't want it to stop, but I can't help thinking that someone is going to get hurt eventually...

To make things more confusing, Quig is trying to set me up with a guy in the cast, named Seth. freaky.

Moving Day

I'm sitting amidst boxes, with packing yet to finish, waiting for my mom and Charlie to get here. I'm leaving New York today. Wow, am I filled with mixed emotions. The past month has been filled with really high strung emotions and wild feelings. It'll be good to get home.

Seth and I went out last night. We talked about many things, most of which I'll never share here. It's odd to think that I have this confidant out there who has been through hell with me and so I can honestly tell anything. Being with him last night made me realize that I've been looking too hard for someone to fall in love with. When Seth and I met, it was completely by accident, and it was so comfortable from the very first moment. Even having not seen him for several years, it was still comfortable and familiar. We did what we loved to do most when we were dating, we walked. We walked from Grand Central to Washington Square Park to sit and stare at the arch and talk. I didn't want the evening to end, even though I didn't get home until 4am. (Nothing I'd be willing to write here can describe how I really felt about the evening. However, to get a better idea of who this person is to me please see the entry entitled Journey To the Past.)

So today, I'm dragging already. Oh well... Need to finish packing.

Friday Morning Report

It's Friday. My last day in New York. Sad, and yet, not. This week has been a strange one. I've seen more old friends then I could've imagined. The weirdest goodbye, however, I think was Matt. I didn't expect to feel emotional about it. We haven't spent much time together this year. He gave me a hug and kiss and it was the first time I felt something about leaving the city.

Today, I'm going to lunch with my friend Mike from high school. (I'm not sure that counts because he'll be near home while I'm there.) Then tonight, I'm going to visit with Seth. We haven't seen each other in several years, though we live in the same city and chat online a lot. It'll be a good thing, I think.

The packing is coming along. I took my bed apart last night. It's really quite compact in pieces!

Mr. Eakeley

I am so blessed to have someone like Ben for my friend. I feel wonderful just being in the same room as him. I hope everyone is as lucky as me. I will probably miss him the most when I leave New York...

A Sign From Above

So, if I had any doubts about moving across the country for some new theatrical endeavors, they have been momentarily laid to rest. I just got a call for an interview for a directing position for September, in the Chicagoland area.

As my friend Talon would say, "MEXCELLENT!!!"

Down with McD!!!... and a reunion of sorts!

Chris took me to see Supersize Me yesterday. This is an independant documentary style film about the affects of fast food on the population of the world. Wow. All I can say is that I will never eat fast food again. Go see it...

In other news: I was recently thinking about my old pal, Troy Scarborough. He and I were in the same class at AMDA and we were pretty good friends. After I left I lost touch with most of my friends from there, including Troy. Well, last week I was wondering what he was up too and decided to Google him. Turns out that he's been touring with The Full Monty for some time (yay!!!). Unrelated, Ben is doing Love's Labour's Lost with NJ Shakes and I'm going to see it tonight. SO, I went on the website to get directions and low and behold, I discover that my old friend Troy Scarborough is in this show with my best friend, Ben! Once again proving that, not only is it a small world in general, but that the theatre community is unbelievably tiny. (Just ask Rebecca, who got flirt with Jimmy Fallon at the Tony's on Sunday...)

Harry Potter and Tony

Well, what a Sunday!

Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban

I want to start by saying that this is my favorite book in the series, so far. After two essentially similar episodes, part three offers a really interesting adventure in which the main villain, never shows up! In this book, the details are so carefully laid out that the reader begins to feel that the series may be much more sophisticated then originally thought. Needless to say I was very excited about this movie coming out.

It was good. I liked it. I was dissapointed by it, as I'm sure all die-hard Harry Potter fans will be. The intimate details that J.K. Rowling is so good at are generally glaized over to the point that I wonder if I had not read the book, would I have understood everything that happened. In the movie, we never really learn who Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs are. I believe this is a terribly important detail to the course of the story. Perhaps an extremely intuitive brain could put it together with the tiny shards of imformation allowed into the screenplay, however the person I went with had not read the book and didn't really understand what that was all about.

My rave through, is for the cinematogrpahy. The pictures in this movie were absolutely stunning. I could just watch without the sound and be very content. The new director was very successful in his craft with this story. The other new additions to the cast were also quite wonderful, specifically Gary Oldman as Sirius Black.

Yes, I think you should go see this movie, just know it's quite seperate from the book. And if you haven't read the book, shame on you.

The Tony Awards

Definately the most exciting Tony Awards in several years. Highlights for me were: Phylicia Rashad (Best Actress in a Play), Idina Menzel (Best Actress in a Musical), Assassins (Best Musical Revival), and Avenue Q (Best Musical). It's phenominal to me to see a show like Avenue Q (it's a puppet show - think Sesame Street meets South Park) beat a very traditional Broadway show like Wicked. Overall, the awards were widespread with Assassins taking home the most at 5. If you'oll remember,just a few years ago The Producers took every single category that a new musical could, and it was a rather boring event. (And ticket sales have not been so great for that show since it's stars departed, so it makes you wonder how good the other elements actually are, or if it was other factors that led to its sweep. Remember Full Monty was the show most overlooked that year.)

Alright, well, I guess it's time to get on with my day. I'm kind of waiting to see what shows post their closing notices today... I have a bad feeling about Fiddler... (sorry, Haviland!)

So long, sir...

In honor of the passing of President Reagan: Proof that with the right attitude, one can achieve absolutely anything. Bedtime for bonzo...

In response to Mr. Beeson and Mr. Long

Man, Talon's most recent weblog post and Geoff's response to it have really put me in a funk. It generally talks about women's behavior in regard to relationships. I can't help wondering if what's going on between Geoff and I instigated any part of that post. The thing is that we (women) can't make adjustments, can't fix things unless men express to us through words (not telekinesis) that something is bothering them. I know that I've always been willing to listen to anything a guy I'm dating has had to say, but the problem comes up when he won't say anything. I can't help feeling that if Geoff had been honest with me about this last situation, instead of just assuming I could figure out what was wrong even though he wasn't telling me, I would've been able to better deal with it. Instead, for two weeks I was left guessing and trying to put the pieces together. It was rough, at one point I worried that he was dead. It drove me absolutely insane. The good news is that I'm recovering. The bad news is that the only way I know to recover is to become cold and distant - two of the biggest complaints about women. What to you want me to do? Wallow in my sadness and grief until I die? Forget it. Yes, I'm sad and hurt, but I can't continue to waste entire days wishing that I could fix things.

So to answer Talon's question: I can't speak for all women. However, what I want is someone who likes me, who is willing to grow with me through the good and the bad, because there will be bad. Someone who understands that relationships are never stagnant, but ever changing and is willing to let go and ride the waves. Someone who can teach me things and wants to learn from me also. Most importantly, I want someone who will let me try to make them happy. Men have walls too. So when I find one who will let those walls down, I'll know I've done well...

I've never been one to group all men into a category. I've known too many, I guess. I've met a few men that I could be willing to spend my life with. But the thing is, it's such a careful balance to find that perfecct relationship.

A very productive Saturday... um... yeah...

Somebody ask me how much packing I did today... go ahead, I dare you. Oh wait... no, maybe you'd better not. I sat on my fat ass all day. Fantastic. I am so ready to get out of here and spend six weeks or so in PA. Beauty rehearsals start next week. I can't wait. I'm in dire need of getting in dance rehearsals immediately. Time to get serious about that skill I'm lacking confidence in.

Damn, I'm bored. Someone call me and entertain me for a bit.

Journey to the past

I've been going through a lot of "stuff" in the process of packing. I have found many things I'd forgotten about along the way. One is a notebook I used to carry with me everywhere. It has everything in it: Phone numbers, love letters, audition information, cartoons, random thoughts. I've had this notebook pretty much since I moved to New York, so you can imagine the stuff that's in it. I decided not to toss it.

Another thing I found is a song that was written for me. I'd like to share it with the world, as it comes from the absolute happiest part of my life. A man I once loved wrote this:

I'm starting from scratch I feel so brand new
And I've never been happier than when I'm with you.
I stare at you silent, deep in your eyes
And I know you see the me I lost in all of my lies

I could walk with you forever
Each second I see something new
And I'd be the happiest man in the world
If I could stay right here with you.

A kiss on each corner, a walk around noon
Each moment is beautiful because of you
My hands are so rough, tongue ties everywhere
But with one look from you I could dance in the air

I wonder just what you see
When you look into my eyes
'Cause I've spent the past years convincing myself
There's nothing in me but goodbyes

But now I'm with you and I hope that you'll stay
To laugh with me, cry with me, share every day
So, I'll hold you close and whisper in your ear:
That when I breathe you in it's magic, my dear.

I could walk with you forever
Each second I see something new
And I'd be the happiest man in the world
If I could stay right here with you.

To the composer: Thank you for everything. And, thank you for still being in my life, these years later...

Yawn.

It's 6:30 am. I'm on my way out the door for an audition. This is for the next person who might presume that I'm lazy. (Who decided morning was a good audition time?)

P.S. YAY!!! It's HARRY POTTER DAY!!!!!! (I'm just wild about Harry...)

The Winds of Change

Yesterday I had a photo shoot with an old friend. Well, "friend" I suppose, is pushing it. James dated my friend Melissa while he went to Penn State, and then he transfered to Shenandoah, where I was going to school. I knew him. We were acquaintences. I'd have a hard time saying we were friends.

But anyway, he lives in Brooklyn and needed some headshots. I needed the money, and hey, why not.

What bugs me is this: As we were leaving, he said, "You haven't changed one bit." I thought, oh God. It's been years since we've seen each other. Have I really not changed? I happen to dissagree. I also happen to not want to give much weight to this person that truly, barely knows me...

So, I was just bugged by that. I'm not even remotely the same person I was in college. At least, I don't think so...

What we do for love.

Tonight I saw Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. It was amazing. Two things really struck me as extemely moving and unbelievably well thought-out. The first is the use of a projector image of JFK's assassisnation onto the white t-shirt of the Lee Harvey Oswald character, just after he is convinced by John Wilkes Booth to kill the president for all the attention and notariety he could ever dream of. The second is the idea that all these people did what they did for the love of another human being. John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln for the love and adoration he wasn't getting as an actor. Squeaky Fromme attempted to assassinate Gerald Ford for the love of Charles Manson. (Isn't that messed up?!) John Hinckley attempted to assassinate President Reagan to show Jodie Foster how much he loved her. In the play, Oswald finally decides to kill JFK in order to win the love of friends and family, instead of committing suicide.

Love is a very powerful thing, not ever to be taken lightly. It makes people crazy in every possible way.

My name is Inigo Montoya...

What a Memorial Day it was... So. Rachel and I did go to the beach. In the rain. We were the only assholes on the beach. However, we played frisbee, we did cartwheels, we put our feet in the water, we did all the beach stuff one could possibly do, and then it started to pour. So we did the next logical thing... found beer. Since we had to wait for Matt and Katie anyway, why not. The best part was that in Brighton everyone is Russian. And our waitress didn't speak much English. Very very interesting. I guess you could say that we started drinking around 1:30 and finished about an hour ago. I needed it to. Especially after the damn few weeks I've had. Then we all came back to our apartment and ordered pizza, drank, played Cranium (which should only be played with large amounts of alcohol),and watched The Princess Bride. In the course of the day Matt and I totally made up for all the time we won't be seeing each other in future by fighting like brother and sister, including Matt biting my hand because it was there. Excellent.

Whatever, it's the end of the day and though I managed to get though it fairly unscathed, I'm again in the unhappy place facing hours of supposed sleep. damn...

On a happy note, I heard back from Justin. He's safe and happy and doing very well, even if he is in Iraq.