Why Can't He...

...leave me alone. He said he wouldn't talk to me for a year. He has no idea how he fucks with my life, but he likes to act like he's the only one who's suffered. As usual it's all about him... with no care or regard for me. That is why it is the way it is...

You'd think after two years he'd know who I was but he has not a clue, nor a care.

So, finally why should I care about him? I am the most loyal person he will ever know, and it takes a mountain to make me not be fiercely loyal to someone I love. What happens when my own loyalties conflict, and at what point do I get to be loyal to myself?

You don't know what I'm thinking and feeling. You have no clue. So just stop all this.

I spend one day away from my computer...

...and I missed out on one audition and have almost no time to prepare for a callback at 10am tomorrow.

Yikes!

I guess that serves me right, but I needed today. I needed to not think about anything. I needed to nap and watch bad movies and eat leftovers. I'm a bit groggy and sore from my workout session, but the rest of the week will be beautiful.

So now it's time for bed...

Ode to the Faces (At Least I Got to Hang Out With You)

by CJ Coolsen

Verse--
Alabama, was where you used to throw your hat on the floor
You're too capricious, for a world in pieces
when the Kaiser's got an arm in the door
Here comes the boy with aspirations
living off the fountain of youth
We skip to Times Square, short hair, New Year's party
drinkin' from a champagne flute

Chorus--
What a Sign of the Times
It's great to be alive, kickin' out the old for the new
The last to arrive, 'cause all the people inside
always see the day as a small price to pay
And if this ever gets boring, I'll just take a bow and burn it out
But if you ever went crazy, I might die
I don't know what I'd do, but at least I could say
I got to hang out with you
At least I got to hang out with you

Verse--
Trip Fantastic, a proclamation for the state that we're in
I'm superstitious, but it's so delicious
when you're drownin' in a bathtub of gin
So now I'm reachin' up to heaven, and I'm flippin' off the Lordy
and I'm never gonna stop, well at least 'til 1940
Then we take the A train across the ocean
until the end of this revolution

Bridge--
Don't write down anything I can live without
But where's my protection when you scream and shout
And how'd we come to the Great White Hunter
everything that could put us under
Can you remember when it used to be sugar and spice
on This Side of Paradise

Verse--
Culture babies, we used to break the rules on a whim
The Great Depression is the word in session
for the nation goin' out on a limb
And now the fat cats, in top hats, are messin' with my money
and all we did was dance the Lindy, well I guess it's pretty funny
So I'll take it in the way I do, as long as I still have you

Chorus--
What a Sign of the Times
It's great to be alive, kickin' out the old for the new
The last to arrive, 'cause all the people inside
always see the day as a small price to pay
And if this ever gets boring, I'll just take a bow and burn it out
And if we ever went crazy, we'll just fade away
But at least they could say
I got to hang out with you
At least I got to hang out with you



Sittin' in a cafe, I think we finally landed
and we're talkin' 'bout the freedom that we used to take for granted
'cause we're strangers in a foreign land,
where all the people sing:
OO LA LA
OO LA LA LA LA
OO LA LA
OO LA LA LA LA

Liftin' up the hemlines, bullets on St. Valentines
Chaplin on the big screen, Time has got a magazine
Nazis in the beer hall, hopin' for the big fall
Jazz in the backroom, jammin' out the new boom
Calvin's keepin' quiet, while the Klan is at the Hyatt
And the women that we're goting, gettin' sick of never voting
If you're taken what is given, you could lose your inhibitions
But it really doesn't matter,

OH MY GOD, IT'S PROHIBITION!!!!


(What I wouldn't give to hear CJ sing this again...)

Two big things...

...this week have made me feel terribly and utterly out of control. And I hate that. I don't want to go into details here, but one is all about me and the other is all about someone I care an awful lot about.

Just bare with me. And remind me to let go, and have that faith I mentioned a few weeks ago...

WOW!

So much has been going on in the past week. I can't believe I haven't had time to blog...

Been spending more and more time with a certain someone. Things are really good, and I haven't smiled this much in a long time.

Work, is work. The schedule is good. It's taking a lot of patience to sort out my audition life and figure out how to fit everything in. It's weird to not have a computer in front of my 24/7 and so not be able to do nearly as much multi-tasking as normal. In a way it's making me slow down which is good.

Red Door: I think casting is complete. Stilll looking for an SM. Brian has left the project and I believe Richard is going to direct, if not I will... Very happy with our cast choices. They will be brilliant.

Chris and Rachel's Wedding: it was lovely. Very happy for them. There was a toast that stuck with me a bit: L = Listen, O=Observe, V=verbalize, E=Enjoy. These are the keys to a strong healthy relationship. Perhaps they've stuck with me as I'm putting an unhealthy one behind me and beginning a brand new one.

MOST IMPORTANT: Tuesday Collete and Quigley came up to the city and the three of us, plus Joel and Aaron made a pitch to Cherry Lane Theatre in the West Village to produce Zelda. Our pitch included scenes and songs and I fell in love with it all over again. It was amazing to do scenes with Joel after two years have passed. it was as if nothing had changed. I was really glad to have Quigley there too. We got to sing "Prohibition" together which was a blast. it was really special to have Aaron there too. I roped him into playing Ernest Hemingway which means he's now a part of the history of the piece. A bit nervewraking to have him there, as it was the first time he ever saw me perform, but I'm so glad that Zelda was the first thing he saw. Cherry Lane basically said, we can't afford to produce this alone, but we love it. We'd love to assist with a backer's reading. Now Colette can take that info to Pittsburgh for a little extra clout, and we'll see what happens. I'm always in a funk when I have to put her away, so kudos for Aaron for putting up with me. And with faith it won't be another two years before I get to play with her again.

Overheard in the Office

"It's like Star Wars. It's a K-Niffen from planet Meerzubawb." - Ringer

"I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you. Like the wind or something." - Eric, quoting Family Guy.

"Kate's wrestler name is 'Jade Pussycat." - Ringer

Gratitude

I am stronger then I sometimes let myself believe. Thank you to my friends who constantly encourage and inspire me.

Proof...

...that a little brownie cheesecake can make anything better...

Another Sleepless Night

Bill Finn's song from "In Trousers" has been smoldering in my brain since waking up (late) this morning.

I. Am. Exhausted.

Somewhere between 6:00pm and 1:00am my world got really shook up and I feel like I was on a skateboard hanging on to the back of the bus as it continued to pick up speed, barely hanging on.

Why do I insist on putting everyone else before myself? I have to start making decisions without asking everyone else what they want first. Everytime I take the initiative and someone is hurt or unhappy with me, I feel incredibly guilty. This is true in all aspects of my life.

I think I may have fucked up two really important things in my life last night.

Go, me.

I am sleepy.

ah. Please disregard the previous post. I was out of my mind. I'm better now.

So the weekend...

The weekend was grand. Friday I did training for my new job, which I think is going to have some aspects that I struggle with, which could be fun. I also started teaching a new student on Friday mornings, which is really good for me to get back to basics. Friday night I sat outside for hours reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (again). A nice way to spend a summer evening.

Saturday morning we held auditions for Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. It was really eye-opening. Two words: sadism and "rye-bon". Let the games begin! Then I had a wonderful Saturday afternoon/evening with an amazing man.

Sunday I did my first day of work, came home and crashed, and then had a late-night ice cream/movie date.

I really can't complain about a whole lot.

What?!

and why???

Happy Birthday to Ben!

Once again, we celebrate my dear friend's birthday! Love you, Benjamin Scott Eakeley!

Glorious Words of Wisdom

One of my teachers from the MT Immersion (ie Theatre Camp) is a dedicated writer adn I look forward to her writings on a daily basis. The following comes from her latest blog detailing the Immersion experience from the faculty's point of view. It's hard to put into words what the experience was, but here she does it beautifully:

...core faculty met last night at the wonderful Diane Wondisford's apartment...there we were, our doughty little group of dedicated core faculty: the brilliant Nova Thomas, the wise and dear Chuck Maryan, the energetic and creative Keith Buehl, Diane (ever patient and focused) and me....some 6 weeks after the end of the Musical Theater Immersion this past June, ready to discuss it, dissect it, analyze, and visualize its future....a great meeting. A productive meeeting.

The thing I was most pleased about was: little annoying strings that were left hanging got tied up and cleared away...vague disagreements about procedure, small discomforts about time and schedule, varying points of view about approaches to the students,etc...all bases were covered, and as a true testament to the group, the result was a larger sense of ourselves as a core teaching group, a stronger dedication to next summer's possible program, and a genuine sense that we did indeed accompllsh something this summer, on our first outing of the Immersion!!!

Looking back, and remembering what the group of students was like at the start of the 15 days, we all were pretty much amazed by what was presented at the finish of those days: a group of confident, focused, wiser and far more interesting performers than when they began....we all sat there that final day, I recall, either awash in tears, or stunned into a sort of awed silence, as scene by scene, song by song, they got up and bravely showed themselves to us...and that was no illusion, no mere trick of our self-congratulatory egos...no....those students had palpably grown and improved...they had indeed "shown up" and we were thrilled.And grateful.

Keith kept using the word "magic" at the meeting last night..well, yes...indeed.
Diane is more a fan of the "immersion" process than ever before.
And the other three of us felt deep comraderie, because we knew how delicate the teaching balance was between the three of us, made strong by the mutual trust and respect we do all feel for each other. The mere "getting along" of three strong creative experienced egos is, in itself, no small task....and the open-ness, the willingness to learn from each other is rare. All these elements were present and, no doubt, partially responsible for the end product of this virgin voyage!

To read more from Evalyn please visit: http://compostmoi.blogspot.com

Rachel and Chris

I have been newly in touch with many friends from high school and college recently (thank you, myspace). And I'm not entirely amazed at the number who are married and have families. But I'm going to a wedding next week which has a very special place in my heart: Rachel and Chris's.

I lived with these two beautiful people for a year, before they were even considering dating. We were just three roomies. It was a year of fighting over the room with no window, eat-with-your-hands night, hard boiled eggs, Law and Order, double dates, bitch sessions about GG, impromptu monologue coachings, daily poetry premieres, big Frank, Little Toninos, penis cookies, opening the door for Elijah, dealing with dial-up and the F train. What a crazy household! We went through finding Rachel dates, Chris dating my best friend from home, and my dating fiasco with Geoff. Then there was the double date that Rachel and I went on with Chris' friends Sonny and Ed.

No where in there, did I see this relationship blossom. And amazingly, they are so perfect for each other, how did the three of us miss it for so long?

So next saturday, they get married. I can't wait. I've been to weddings where I knew the couple, was friends with them. But I feel a real bond with these two, and I'm already overwhelmed at the prospect of them joining together eternally.

On top of it, I think many of our class will be there, and it's been ages since we've had a PARTY!

I love my life.

"There seemed to be some heavenly support beneath his shoulder blades that lifted his feet from the ground in ecstatic suspension, as of he secretly enjoyed the ability to fly but was walking as a compromise to convention." - Zelda Sayre

Brilliantly Put

"You must play, because if you're going to wait for the job, you'll die." - Dustin Hoffman

A MUST SEE!

TastiSkank

Described as the "newborn love child of the Indigo Girls and Tenacious D," TastiSkank will offer songs about everything "from sex to pills to dirty boys who will remain nameless."

Concert at Ars Nova... oh dear lord.

Today's Mantra

La Vie En Rose
Des Yeux Qui Font Baisser Les Miens
Un Rire Qui Se Perd Sur Sa Bouche
Voila Le Portrait Sans Retouche
De L'homme Auguel J'appartiens
Quand Il Me Prend Dans Ses Bras,
Il Me Parle Tout Bas
Je Vois La Vie En Rose,
Il Me Dit Des Mots D'amour
Das Mots De Tous Les Jours,
Et Ca Me Fait Quelques Choses
Il Est Entre Dans Mon Coeur,
Une Part De Bonheur
Dont Je Connais La Cause, C'est Lui Pour
Moi, Moi Pour Lui Dans La Vie
Il Me L'a Dit, L'a Jure Pour La Vie,
Et Des Que Je L'apercois
Alors Je Sens En Moi, Mon Coeur Qui Bat...
Des Nuits D'amour A Plus Finir
Un Grand Bonheur Qui Prend Sa Place
Les Ennuis, Des Chagrins S'effacent
Heureux, Heureux A En Mourir

What century was I meant to be in?

This morning it was mentioned that I may be from 18th Cent. France. A revolutionary girl... I've always known that I look like I could've walked out of a variety of eras, all but the contemporary one. I love dressing in period garb, and much to the delight of some, I feel rather special being laced up and petticoated. When I did Yeoman of the Guard last fall, one of the ladies involved (Christiane Noll's mother, if you're a theatre geek) told me every night that I looked like "The Girl With the Pearl Earring."
I like to think that not every girl can look like she stepped out of a painting.

what a day.

You might say my day began at 2:00am. Not that I'm complaining. The first half of the day, delightful, but tiring. The second half of the day: beyond bizarre. Sorry for not elaborating on either half, but the parties involved know who they are and I'm sure would appreciate a little discretion.

Otherwise, we narrowed our auditionees down to 26. Pretty amazing considering there were originally about 150. Looks liek our finances will be ok. Tight, but ok. It's all getting very exciting!

...but that's just a tease...

Had a really fun afternoon yesterday with my new partner in crime. Started on Margaritas a bit too early, but what the hell. Good thing he had a gig so I could go home and sleep it off!

(P.S. you were completely right about Quills...)

Today, Yoga! Maybe some shopping, we'll see.

To Harry Potter Fans:

Please read my pal Casey's entry today. click on the link on the right hand side of my blog called "Casey Jones".

Have a good laugh!

A Woman of Faith

One of my favorite songs is called Woman of Faith by Eddie from Ohio. I really discovered this song, when Brian and I were living together and really having a lot of problems. And I always kind of thought that the man I end up with would view me in the same way as the man singing this song about his wife:

i wake up, check my senses
one two three four five
number six missing again
same old game of seek and hide
i remember that old feeling
it's tender to the touch
just me and all my senses
i don't need to think too much
you know i tend to think too much

(chorus)
in times such as these we find ourselves in an old familiar place
it's for times such as these when you've gotta believe
that i married me a woman of faith
it's for times such as these when you've gotta believe
that i married me a woman of faith

my old dog is smiling at me
something by me passed
my old dog grinning ear to ear
shakes his head, starts to laugh
i've been checking all four corners
what makes him so wise
i've been checking all four corners
i forgot to look right in front of
right in front in of my eyes

(chorus)

i wake up, check my senses, all have come around
one two three four five all here
six sleeps next to me, sleeping sound
six is sleeping sound

(chorus)

I don't know where it came from, I'm guessing from my relationship with Seth and the trials involved therein, but I have always found that in letting go, all will come back to you. It's called Faith. I'm not a fan of organized religion. Primarily because the churches I've been a part of become more of a social circle then an honest place of worship. I'm not even sure that my version of "God" would match most other peoples'. But I do believe, with my life, that there is a force out there that guides us. Self-righteous, control-freak humans rarely let it. But it's there.

I bring this up because yesterday was a prime example of faith in my life. I'm leaving my steady 9-5, with benefits job, to persue my dreams and goals in the theatre, and in the process I found a job that would allow me to go to auditions, and pay the bills, and everything would be ok. By, some chance of mis-communication, the offer I had been given last week, have been given to someone else, and while they had another gig for me it definately did not pay enough for me to live. I said yes anyway. And though I got really upset about how I was going to make it work - I had faith that somehow it would work.

I sometimes walk home through Central Park after work, and yesterday, even though it was the hottest day of the summer, I needed some nature. I got to the other side, and my phone rang. It was the new job, calling to re-offer the original position. Everything will be ok.

Casey and I have been talking alot about his moving up to the city and I know how daunting the prospect is. I say, just have faith. Let it guide you, and the right things will invariably happen.

Quote of the Day

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Lynda Barry

Dream Roles

Aaron and I recently quizzed each other on our dream roles. It was really hard coming up with some, but one I forgot is Lina Lamont in Singin' In the Rain. (She's the "I caaaeeen't stan 'it" girl.) I am fortunate to have an audition for her on Friday morning for a regional production in the late fall! How much fun would that be!!!

I Get a Kick Out of You. By Mr. Porter

My story is much too sad to be told,
but practically everything
leaves me totally cold.
The only exception i know is the case,
when i'm out on a quiet spree,
fighting vainly the old enui
and i suddenly turn and see,
your fabulous face.

I get no kick from Champagne
Mere alchohol doesn't thrill me at all
so tell me why should it be true
that i get a kick
out of you

Some get a kick from cocain
i'm sure that if i took even one sniff
that would bore me terrificly too
yet i get a kick out of you

i get a kick every time i see you standing there before me
i get a kick though its clear to me you obviously don't
adore me

I get no kick in a plane
Flying too high
with some guy in the sky is my idea of nothing to do

Yet i get a kick
Out of you