There's a John Denver song that I always come back to when I'm trying to get through those really hard moments in life. It's called "Poems, Prayers and Promises" and it goes along like this:
I've been lately thinking about my life's time,
All the things I've done and how it's been.
And, I can't help believing in my own mind
I know I'm going to hate to see it end.
I've seen a lot of sunshine, slept out in the rain,
Spent a time or two all on my own.
I've know my lady's pleasures, had myself some friends,
Spent a time or two in my own home.
I have to say it now, it's been a good life all in all
It's really fine to have a chance to hang around,
And lie there by the fire and watch the evening tire,
While all my friends and my old lady sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in,
How sweet it is to love someone, how right it is to care,
How long it's been since yesterday, what about tomorrow,
And what about our dreams and all the memories we share.
This song always makes me reflect on all the wonderful things going on and somehow I can deal with the crap. Ironically, the first time I really listened to it was on the trip from Chicago to Winchester during the spring break of my senior year of college. I had just come from visiting Josh and a grad school audition, which I had bombed, and the worst car trouble of my young life (Martina broke down in Gary, Indiana - shudder). I was also facing the end of school and leaving behind some of the best times and friends I had ever had. Similarly, my recent troubles stem from the sadness I feel at leaving NYU and my friends and classmates. Also, I'm having some difficulty figuring out exactly what my feelings for Geoff are and what his are for me. Which brings up the question of my moving to Chicago. Why
am I moving there...? Something to think about.
I was in the process of cleaning some stuff out and throwing a lot of loose papers away when I came across an old letter from Justin Eller. Justin was one of my closest friends at Shenandoah. We had a very strange relationship, and though we never actually dated (I think there was one date which involved antiquing in Front Royal...) I know we loved each other very much. He's in Iraq right now, he joined the Army to play the clarinet and pay his loans... now he's fighting. sigh. Anyway, I found this letter that he sent to me right when Seth and I were having real problems. It just seemed so poignant:
"As far as [Seth] is concerned be very careful but try not to be un-needingly selfish by trying to protect yourself from a future heartache, okay? He might be the one. Be true to yourself and if you're ready open up to him like no other, make sense?"
It's times like this that I wish I could just pick up the phone and call Justin for a chat...
